WESTERN SKIES - June 18, 2005

*** COMMENTARY: MY DRUG OF CHOICE ***

ERIC WHITNEY: We're wrapping up our show this week on a lighter note. One that considers what exactly drugs are, why people use them and why some are legal and some not, steroids and coffee for instance. Here's Ian Shoales.

IAN SHOALES: I've been trying to get worked up about the alleged rampant steroid abuse by our nation's athletes, but I find myself fervently not caring. Perhaps if I were a sports fan, I might feel differently. If I ever learned what "game face" or "hang time" mean exactly, I might learn to care. But face it, the legal problems of guys whose wrists are bigger than my waistline are not something I lose sleep over.

Now, I'm a skinny guy myself. I've been told I resemble a depressed pharmacist, minus the white coat. Be that as it may, I do have skills, abilities. Like the finest athletes, I do my best to hone them. Here's what I'm worried about.

If steroids are considered drugs which confer an unfair advantage on their takers, well, what about caffeine? Can coffee be far behind?

Coffee, after all, is my performance-enhancing drug of choice. Not only does it stimulate those centers of the brain responsible for sarcasm or fast talking, it keeps you awake while you're doing it.

I don't view coffee as a drug, but as a tool. The carpenter has his or her hammer, the chairman the gavel, the politician the lie, the terrorist the ideology, I have my coffee. Without it, I would just be a sleepy guy with half-formed angry thoughts, muttered in a half-understood monotone to people who would shy away from me on the bus. Coffee changes all that, making me productive, articulate, and snappy. Well, maybe not productive, but I am working on the tearing down without building up thing. And coffee helps! Okay, people still shy away from me on the bus, but at least I feel good about myself.

So I urge the FDA not to outlaw this precious beverage. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I'm not even sure what that means. Has a baby ever, in the history of mankind, been thrown out with the bathwater? If it has, I can only assume the parents have not had their coffee. Fully caffeinated parents never put their babies down the drainpipe. Instead, they try to get their offspring into exclusive pre-schools, chattering enthusiastically with each other at the playground about pre-school options over lattes. And there I rest my case. Most of us take showers these days anyway. Who takes a baby into a shower? That's crazy caffeine-free thinking.

WHITNEY: Ian Shoales is the guy who asks the questions on Doctor Science. He's also got his own website, IanShoales.com

And that wraps up our show for this week. With this edition of Western Skies we bid farewell to our Jon Wilson, our intern, who is now a college graduate and has to get a real job. Stephen Raher is our associate producer, Delaney Utterback handles the website. I'm Eric Whitney, thanks for tuning in.